The Long Walk Home

“We’re All Walking Each Other Home”

This is a quote from Ram Dass, a famous writer and philosopher. Aren’t we all on the same journey, from the cradle to the grave? Recently, I’ve been walking the final footsteps of this journey with my father, accompanying him on his inevitable last walk.

I have had this honor once before, holding space for my grandmother - Nana - as she reached her end. I cared for her for two years in her home until I was finally forced to move her into a facility for her safety and my sanity. I worked full-time and she really couldn’t be left alone.

During her final years, I had the opportunity to know her in ways I never could have as a child. The adult/child relationship changed to equals, then reversed until I was the adult and she was the child for whom I cared. I believe those final years allowed us to settle any unresolved bitterness between us.

In the same way, I had hoped that this time spent with my father would allow me to get to know the mad who eluded me throughout my life. He left my mother and I when I was too young to remember, forever lurking as sort of mythological creature in my young mind.

My mother and Nana said many hateful things about him, creating the image of a bogeyman, but all girls want their Daddy. When my mother and Nana were vicious toward me, I imagined him riding in as my savior, whisking me away to live with him. In this manner, he became larger than life - both monster and hero, twisting to fit first one shape and then the other, depending on the narrative.

Our paths would cross throughout the years, but I never really got to know the man. He was always the showman, putting on a display for anyone who wanted to watch. But that is mostly what I came to know, always the display, never the man behind the curtain.

Now that he is in his final days, that curtain has closed for good. The shadows of his mind have largely swallowed his consciousness. The man he used to be is long gone. His tall tales have woven together to create an impenetrable fabric wrapping his mind in its wooly grip. Fiction and reality have converged as one.

Last week, he had an appointment with his heart team at the VA. After the appointment, we slipped away to a local eatery where he indulged in a couple tacos and a beer. We weren’t supposed to leave the hospital campus, but we played hooky, conspiring to grant him permission to leave base. For a brief moment, he was back to himself, enjoying an afternoon on the town.

Dad's knocking back a cold one on a hot afternoon.

He continues to lose weight despite the regular meals I’m feeding him. Every day, I make sure he eats breakfast, lunch, and dinner, with added snacks when he will accept them. Some days he eats more than others, but I don’t know where the food is going. It feels like his body is refusing to make use of the nutrition.

At the same time, I’m taking care of his little dog, Belle, and my old girl, Gidget McFidget. I’m worried about my Gidget. The change of scenery has her confused. Her vision is fading, and she gets lost in corners of this house because it is unfamiliar.

Gidget McFidget lounging in one of Belle's dog beds.

I tuck her into her dog crate whenever I leave the house to keep her from getting trapped in a corner or run over by my father in his scooter because he can’t see her and she can’t see him. When I release her from the crate, she always seems disoriented and frantic. I took her outside yesterday after she had been crated for a couple hours, and she sprinted at top speed away from me. I chased her all over the front yard before I finally cornered her and carried her back to the house.

Tennessee terrain is extremely hilly, and I had to chase her uphill both ways, then trudge up a steep incline back to the house. With the heat and humidity, I was drenched in sweat by the time I got her back inside.

The temperature has been in the nineties. After a cold spring in Michigan, I was not prepared for the change in weather. I only packed one pair of shorts for this trip, thinking that jeans and leggings would be adequate. Fortunately, the Family Dollar had an assortment of cheap, unattractive clothing. I was able to get three pair of ugly shorts for $25. At this point, I’m not interested in aesthetics. He doesn’t like the AC blowing cold air on him, so I must wear shorts to keep from dying of heatstroke.

Bird house designed and built by my father many years ago. Notice the skirt near the bottom. That's to keep snakes from climbing the pole and eating the bird eggs from the nest.

Early morning weather is pleasant, allowing us to get our daily walk. All four of us pile out of the house - him on his scooter, Belle on the leash, Gidget wandering aimlessly around the grass, and me trying to herd everyone in the same direction.

Friday began with lovely weather, but shortly after noon, heavy thunderstorms and a torrential downpour swept over the mountains, sending my body into a tailspin. Whatever condition causes my widespread all-over body pain reached hyperdrive.

Different doctors have opined on various causes of this problem. One doctor diagnosed me with fibromyalgia but dismissed me from her care because I can’t take any of the meds she wanted to prescribe due to my transplant medication. Another doctor told me he doesn’t believe in fibromyalgia - who knew it was like the Easter Bunny? Perhaps if I don’t believe hard enough, the pain will go away.

Regardless of the name, this overwhelming ick has me laid flat for the duration. This weekend will be quiet. I’m not going to do any laundry or housework. That will still be there when I feel better. Today, I’m focused on keeping everyone alive - me, my father, and both dogs. The outside cat will have to fend for himself. Actually, my stepbrother feeds him.

Sometimes, I think that’s the best that any of us can hope for. Keep everyone alive for one more day. Take in one more day of good food, soft beds, and sunshine. That’s the best medicine. I know Gidget agrees from her spot between my feet as I sit in the bed and write this on my laptop.

The world would be a better place if we all did that. Grab a tasty snack, share it with someone you love in a comfortable spot, preferably in the sunshine. Sit together in the warmth and enjoy the moment. All that hustle and bustle of doing and getting and having is not the end goal.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the pursuit of happiness that we forget about the happiness itself.

This weekend, slow down, sit down, share a bite. Go out for coffee, brunch, donuts. Sit at the park, in a coffee shop, at a friend’s kitchen table. Savor the coffee, the tea, the lemonade. Talk, build bridges, nurture friendships. Call that person you’ve been thinking about. Do it today. Time moves faster than you think.

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