Who Do You Think You Are?

Odds Are, It’s Not Who You Really Are

You can never really see your own face. When you look in the mirror, you see a reflection of yourself that is actually your face displayed backwards. That’s why a shirt with a logo reads backward in the mirror. That’s not how you really look. A photograph is closer to how you look to other people, but most of us don’t like how we look in photos because we’re used to the backward image we see in the mirror.

What we see in the mirror and what we see in photos only show our outer shell, our “mortal coil” as Shakespeare dubbed it. How do we view ourselves on the inside? Does our self-image match how other people see us? Do our words and actions align with the way we see ourselves?

I believe that nearly everyone sees themselves as a decent human being. How could they function otherwise? I doubt many people wake up in the morning and choose violence. Brushing their teeth, looking at their backwards face in the mirror, and thinking, “Today, I’m going to be the biggest asshole possible!”

It’s not part of normal human nature to decide to be the bad guy. I believe that people are fundamentally good but end up making bad decisions due to bad circumstances, and once they start down the path of bad decisions, the situation gains momentum, dragging them into even worse decisions. This plays out every day in people with addictions, or people who have affairs, or who commit small crimes like shoplifting. Something small done on impulse spirals out of control until a little bad thing snowballs into a big terrible thing.

None of this applies to people who start wars, commit premeditated crimes, or pass laws to take away funding for children and the most vulnerable. That’s far beyond my capacity to understand. Those are the real assholes.

For normal people, you and me, there sometimes exists a wide gulf between how we see ourselves and how other people see us. Especially if we possess a negative self-image. We go through our days trying to be better than we think we are but always falling short in our own minds. What a remarkable gift it would be to be able to see ourselves as other people see us, or to see other people as they see themselves.

The best insight I’ve ever seen into how another person sees themselves is through self-portraits painted by famous artists. Have you looked at these works by Vincent Van Gogh or Frida Kahlo?

Most people are used to seeing Van Gogh in the bandaged ear picture, but this one with the straw hat is housed in the Detroit Institute of Arts. You can see the haunted look in his eyes. This is how he saw himself. Alone and vulnerable.

Self-portrait with a Straw Hat

Now look at these portraits of Kahlo. In both, she is alluding to the duality of her nature, the monkey is curious, playful, while the cat is predatory. In the picture with two images of her with connected hearts, she is strong enough as the doctor in white to heal her own heart. Despite how others might have seen her due to her disabilities, she saw herself as fierce and beautiful. Have I mentioned how much I love Kahlo?

Self-portrait with thorn necklace and hummingbird - The Two Fridas

None of us are perfect, and none of us ever will be, but we keep striving for some unrealistic ideal that keeps us on a treadmill of trying to achieve it – whether it be beauty, weight, wealth, or other goals. The truth is that nobody can achieve perfection. In our consumer-driven society, advertisers play on these insecurities to sell us products we don’t need which promise to help us reach those goals we can’t achieve.

Get off the damn treadmill! Figuratively, not literally. Using an actual treadmill is good exercise. It’s good to have aspirations, but not punitive goals. You can’t eat nothing but salad for a month because sooner or later you will crash and eat a box of donuts. But you can eat a balanced diet of healthy foods and indulge in an occasional donut.

All of this is to say, make this the year you fall in love with yourself. Look yourself in the eye when you’re brushing your teeth and say, without spraying toothpaste, “I’m a good person. I’m a good Mom/Dad/teacher/nurse/student.” Envision what that entails and think of something you can do to support that vision of yourself.

Try to reach out with one random act of kindness every day.

If you do good, you will feel good, and so will the person who receives your kindness.

When you love someone, you are kind to them and do nice things for them. When you love yourself, you should do the same. Be nice to yourself. Smile at that face in the mirror. Practice saying, “I love you” to yourself.

Treat yourself as kindly as you treat your pets. (Please don’t eat Milk Bones.)

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